I'm pretty sure that I started this, looking at the date, as a result of something that God was revealing to me about myself. See last year, some friends of mine and I did the IF:Gathering as a group. If you're not familiar with what that is, check it out: https://ifgathering.com/. Basically, I walked away from that realizing that there was some work to do in Abby. The theme of it last year was "running the race God has called us to". There's much more to it than that, but you'll have to go through it yourself to figure out what. What I got out of it for me was that there was much to me that I have ignored, hidden, and just cast aside as impossible that God was actually calling me to. I came home, shared these things with James,processed through it, and what emerged is what my husband lovingly calls "The Year of Abby!"
Lest you get any notions in your head of my "charmed" life, the "Year of Abby" turned out to be one of the hardest years I've yet had to live through. I don't recommend it. Maybe someday I will, but I'm not there yet. But let me backtrack. Here's what I came home from IF:Gathering 2014 acknowledging:
1- I am terrible at self-discipline. If it's hard, I don't want to do it, especially if it doesn't come naturally.
2- I am not especially goal driven. Deadlines, yes. Goals, no. To me, a goal was only something to fail. I don't quit things,so if I know there's a chance to fail, I just won't start it.
3- I had unrealized dreams, but really, what business do I even have to dream? I've got people to take care of. There will be time for all that when they're raised and I'm not so busy serving them.
4- I wasn't using my all of my God-given gifts, and the ones I was using, I pretty much put very little effort into.
5- I was afraid. Of many things. Almost all the time.
See . . .awesomeness . . . at the core of my "charmed" life- laziness, perfectionism, martyrdom and bitterness, wastefulness, and fear. If you ever begin the process of dealing with all this awesomeness in your own life, just know, it's really freakin' hard! But, there were some encouraging things throughout the process too, so you know, I jumped in full-bore . . .
1- "I think I want to do something that will challenge my self-discipline and coincide with this 'race' theme that spoke to me so deeply" . . . turned into signing up for a marathon. WHAT?!?!? I DON'T RUN!!!! Think rhino, not gazelle!!
3- "I deeply desire to be able to call God's Word to mind on a daily" . . . turned into me deciding to memorize Hebrews 11 and 12. Seriously, FULL CHAPTERS??
4- "I love to write and take pictures" . . . turned into writing my dad's eulogy. THERE ARE NO WORDS!!
The thing about choosing to go down this path of obedience to God is, roots of sin are uncovered. They either have to be dealt with, or you just stay in the same mediocre, ho-hum, unbelieving, ineffective place. All the pieces of my journey this year are something God officially began in June of 2014. I had no idea at that time how necessary and life-giving this process would be for me to actually survive the rest of 2014, but God, in His wisdom and love, knew. Just 5 short months later, when the busyness of my life was paramount above all else, God allowed for me to enter a season of dealing with the ugliest root in me of all: control.
On October 26, 2014, my dad had a hemorrhagic stroke, which 9 days later, resulted in his death here on earth. To say I was shaken to the core, is not even close to summarizing what I went through. Going through that experience has stripped me of all notions of control that I thought I had on my life. And honestly, the "symptoms" that God revealed to me during the IF:Gathering- laziness, perfectionism, martyrdom and bitterness, wastefulness, and fear- all stemmed from that ugly root that has reared its head so often in my life. See, this isn't the first time God's brought it to my attention. Here I was again, however, staring it in the face, in one of the most heartbreaking and personal ways I could have never imagined. God knew this was going to happen. He didn't cause it to happen. And I'm not so narcissistic to believe that my dad dying had anything to do with me. But, here I was in this situation that I had no control over, and in His grace and love for me, God prepared things in advance so that I would have a chance to not only survive it, but come out on the other side more whole and with the ability to reflect God's grace and love even more. I'm not on the "other side" yet, but I'm not at the same place that I was on November 4, 2014 either.
So, here I write, having found this lost blog started so long ago, and I'm just simply going to write. I have no idea what will emerge from it, but it's something I know I'm supposed to do. Apparently I now have some of the words to describe what I wanted but couldn't say last June. And now that I've written all that, I can get to why I even wanted to write today to my Facebook friends in the first place:
If anyone who read my post about my long 15 mile run this weekend is thinking I'm just so amazing and disciplined and cutesy with all the pictures of my darling boys and hot Ironman husband . . . please refer to the whole story I wrote above. I don't want to lead anyone astray with false claims to who I am. Yes, I did run/walk NEARLY 15 miles (with a big emphasis on the /walk part), but I was totally fighting this long run the whole FIVE hours- I'm not winning any prizes here people- again, think rhino, not gazelle. It was painful, it was boring, parts were ugly, tears were involved, I compared myself to nearly everyone I came across (including my hot Ironman husband- because that's excellent to do for the health of your marriage), and I HATE SWEATING! And yes, I did take pictures of my darling boys and hot Ironman husband, but those were for me to remember what I had done and because I love the stories that picture tell. But obviously, they're not the whole story, which is why I felt the need to clarify. I'm not taking anything away from myself, because slow or not, 15 miles is 15 miles, and I sure as heck did it, but the point is, even after all this, I didn't want to. This work of training is slow and painful and tedious and boring, with a little bit of pretty and fun and simple thrown in to keep you going. A road, figurative or literal, has a purpose, and that purpose is not to just lay there. It is to lead people from one place to another. And I guess that's the whole point. Feel free to journey with me on this road of losing control of my life, and in the process, and by God's love and grace, maybe we'll both get somewhere.
